Poems, mixed English and German

To whom it may concern

CN: Climate

Audio version: 19-09-16-ToWhomItMayConcern.mp3

To whom it may concern

Educated in their schools
children teach us climate rules
while you lobbyism fools
still are burning fossil fuels

Let us join them on the street
for the system change we need
You might try to call us freak
while you feel the heat waves peak

You should really be concerned
when the introverts start flooding our streets



CN: Mord, Spinnen

Audio version: 19-10-10-Versteck.mp3


Tief unten in des Felsens Höhle,
wo kein Licht den Grund erreicht,
lebt, bevor er einst verbleicht,
der Morchelmolch

Lebt dort, ohne lang zu Sinnen,
tötet viele, zarte Spinnen,
arme Wesen, lange Beine;
jene Trauer ist nicht seine.
Denkt nicht, fühlt nicht, ist allein
versteckt in seiner Gruft
bis er verbleicht, der olle Schuft.


I'd dance

CN: Emocean

Audio version: 19-09-24-IdDance.mp3

I'd dance
no, not that dancing with all that cheering happiness
not with others, no togetherness
not with the sun up there so bright
its brightness hurts, but not so pleasantly
never have I been a fun dancing pal

I'd move
not to happy songs
with all that party
may the people party
I don't mind, but party without me

I'd swim in the music
flow in the tunes
move with passion
with the tension I need
to not get ripped apart
while I savor being hurt

I haven't felt it for too long

therefore I'd dance


I cannot scream

CN: self hate, bullying, maybe abuse

Audio version: 20-01-23-ICannotScream.mp3

I cannot scream

I never screamed
with my voice
for myself.

When they locked me into a wardrobe
I silently cried.

I silently cried
when they ripped out my personality
played with it as if it was worthless
And made me hate it.

Sometimes I scream
but I hate it
it feels like their game
maybe they won
it never relieves
it never heals.

Sometimes I scream
for people who can't scream for themselves
and although they are grateful
it still feels like stealing their voice
(not like my own)
it hurts my ears and my throat
and my soul
it is defense, prevents damage
but never unburdens.

People tell me to scream
but I can't.

They say it was healthy
would make my unhealed wounds fade
but I can't.

What helps is to tell
not with my voice, not with just words
I write poems
I breathe music
I go public
which feels a bit strange and wrong
but it works as if I was screaming, so maybe it's not.

It relieves.
Silently, but heard.


Just Ignore The Assholes

CN: Emocean, Victim Blaming

Audio version: 20-04-23-JustIgnoreTheAssholes.mp3

Everything started harmless.
You just asked me how I feel.
And I was honest.

So you asked why I felt so bad.
And I told in a sentence
That I was harmed badly in the past
And something brought it up again.

But why was it hurting me, you ask.
Why would such a simple thing cause so much pain in me.

Why can I not just ignore the assholes?
And then I know
That you will think I was weak
Until I present myself emotionally completely naked before you,
Until I told you why something does not hurt so much if you experience it once
But if you grow up with it, and if you have no place to draw back to
If you are lonely and you face the ignorance everywhere

And there is this slight chance
That even then you do not understand.
But likely you do.

Probably you want to support me.
But you need to understand.

Why can't you accept that my feelings are valid, before I get naked?
Why can't you support me, before you understand?
Why do you build up so much pressure for me to justify why I can't just ingnore the assholes.
'Cause if you don't, if you think I should be able to just ignore,
Then you imply that I was lazy or weak or something.
With these "why can't you just" questions you blame me for my feelings.
You blame me for the effects of discrimination, suppression, and hatred.

So, here is what I wish:
If you ask why I feel so bad
Give me the visible chance to opt-out of talking about it.
Show me, that there is no need to justify.
And make clear, that it is okay to feel bad and that you will support me even if you don't have the whole picture.
Because you trust me, that I won't make things up.
Do you?


I want change

CN: Emocean, Violence

When I say "this discrimination happened to me"

I do not want your pity,
when you try to tell me that this was just how things were.
I want your acceptance and your anger.
I want change.

I do not want explanations, why you were not aware.
Especially if you are not even the protagonist of my statement.
I know most explanations, anyway. You are not the first.
I want change.

I do not want to hurt you.
My aim is not to make you feel bad but to point out a problem.
If I thought change was impossible I would not even bother to tell.
I want that change.

When I say "this discrimination happened to me"

I want you to be aware.
I want to remind you all that such things happen.
I want you to prepare yourself to point it out if you see it (if you have the energy/ressources).
I want that you do not forget.
I want people to see, read and talk about it.
I want you to be aware.

There is violent discrimination most of you agree is bad.
But there is also a lot of silent discrimination that just happens because people are not aware.
Unintentional discrimination, that hurts and excludes.
That is, what I fight against when I say
"this discrimnation happened to me".
I want us to change.



Emotional Slut Pride

CN: Emocean

So you think I am emotionally naked online? Fine.
You think you need to shame me for that? GT*O

I do not publicly tell which movies I like, which books.
I especially do not share my music taste.
I do not share who is privately my friend.
I do not talk about where I will rest some day.

But I will tell you what is wrong with the world.
I tell you about all injustice and violence I feel.
And I show you how it affects me personally, what harm it does.
That is me. That has always been me.

I show you those parts of diversity that I represent.
So you can really have an idea of what you are about to destroy.
With your hate, with your stereotypes, too narrow patterns, your fears and your shaming.
That is who I am. That is my most effective strategy. Being visible and proud.

If you did not see that coming you did not know me well.
And it is so much part of my personality
that if you shame me for that, you shame me for the whole me.
Who am I to you if not a fighter? What is left that you could possibly like about me?

I will always stand up against discrimination!
With my body, with my soul, with my whole personality.
I am an emotional slut.
There is no shame in it, I am proud to be me.